This Too Shall Pass!

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be

How would you feel if you knew your plane was about to crash? If you could see the tower of aspirations that you’d built for your future was about to come tumbling down. Have you ever felt fear running in your veins with such fierceness that your heart pumps agony and not blood? That’s the extremity of anxiety I experienced when I was being taken to the OT for C-section of the foetus living inside me since past 7 months. I was told it had severe IUGR (Intra uterine growth retardation) and the chances of survival were quite dim if not operated immediately.

 

To Realize the value of one month ask a parent who’s had a premature baby

 

The delivery went fine; the child cried and had a decent Apgar score weighing 1.1 kilos. I still remember clearly when I saw my baby for the first time! It was more like a hatchling than a human child. I couldn’t see him for the next two days as he was kept in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). I was told he had three IV’s inserted in his hand and a nasal tube for feeding. I couldn’t imagine my child all rigged like this. Starting from the third day began my everyday excursions to the NICU. Every day I used to die to leave for the hospital to see my baby, sit with him for straight six hours and relentlessly try to nurse him but to little or no avail as he was so tiny, he used to lose breath during the feeds. The scariest and nastiest thoughts used to pass my mind once I used to leave him behind and go home and on every phone call from the hospital I could feel my heart skipping a beat and my mind impugning “What if I don’t see him tomorrow?” This went on for a month! Every day I went there, a thought used to nudge me “This too shall pass” and it comforted me great deal.

 

God made me so that you can see small things are strong too 

Barbara Brown

 

I was asked to give my baby undue attention which was quite obvious as he was only 1.65kilos when he was discharged from the hospital. Since three months maternity leave was not enough, I tried to reason with my boss about my circumstances and asked for a year-long sabbatical but things didn’t work out due to strict company policies and project deadlines and I had to resign. I thought about those powerful words and said it out loud “This too shall pass!” All my kid’s milestones were delayed, which is usually the case with preemies. Out of fear and at times frustration, I used to consult google and it always led me to discussion threads where all these helpless mothers were posting about their children issues. It was like sitting in a room where everyone was talking but no one was listening.

 

He started his big school and I finally thought of giving my career one more sincere try. I started posting my resume on various job portals, got one or two calls not from the HRs but some frivolous mediators that too for profiles that were stark opposite to mine. I knew this was coming, as a career break is looked upon as infidelity in our country. It raises some nonsensical questions on a woman’s professional worth. They go by the literal meaning of the word ‘break’, what they don’t get it is yes it is a pause but not from her intellect only from her work.

 

All hells broke lose when I got a call from his teacher asking me to see the visiting school doctor. My worst fears had come true. I thought “is my child not normal?” With a very heavy heart I went, and was told that my son had speech disability for which he required therapy. Again we were trending high on the pain scale. I knew working was now a distant dream and thought this must be the higher plan. We started spending a lot of time talking to our son. I used to watch videos in his absence about various speech therapeutic techniques and worked with him once he was back from school. A year passed, and he started framing sentences and in no time he started telling stories with reasonable clarity.

 

The thing about depression is those who don’t have it, they don’t get it

 

I had gone through so much stress in all these years that nothing felt comprehensible anymore. My state of mind was mistaken for my temperament and every time I wanted to speak about it, I was shunned that I was over reacting. And since my mind wasn’t doing anything constructive, it used to obsess over my son’s academic and growth percentile performance compared to his friends. I could take it no longer. With no experience, I resorted to meditation and failed miserably initially. But my son had taught me never to give up, so I persevered. I could now manage to sit for adequate time and it helped me gain perspective on a lot of things. One day I had the strangest of vision that was life-changing. I got clarity of thought and listed down things I felt I was good at. After a lot of brainstorming and dense reading I finally decided to start my own blog as writing had always been my passion. It helped me learn so much about myself, the world and that the path to peace isn’t out there anywhere, it is in here.  A year later, I finally published my book “The Image Yoga: a holistic guide to a flawless self-image” to help women gain their self-worth; something I’d always wanted to do since forever. It was like becoming a mother for the second time. Like the flower doesn’t dream of the bee, it just blooms and the bee comes; likewise once our awareness blooms, opportunities find us in no time. I learnt it the harder way that you create your own calm!

 

“The best gift you can give someone is the glint of the wisdom you gained out of your own experiences. You learn a lot when you support others, and eventually everyone is healed! Since the highest form of service is to lift someone’s state of mind”

 

And as far as that vision is concerned, I saw myself in the hospital on the day of my son’s birth, sitting with the radiologist on whose final word the C-section was to take place. I saw the moment she had said “we’ll have to do it now”; my heart was full of elation, there was no fear, no anxiety only pure joy! All it could do was to bask under the factual glory to see my child’s face for the first time! And the next memory flash I got was of a small picture of Jesus in a corner of the NICU that read “This too shall pass!”   I had finally got my closure.

 

Dedicated to all those people who’ve had preemie kids. It means you are extra special, after all God doesn’t pick just anybody to witness a miracle in the midst of its creation!!

DP

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